Definition of grey area: an ill-defined situation or area of activity not readily conforming to a category or set of rules. (noun)
The grey area. I think this is where my blogs have always existed. Not bitchy enough to be a drama blog, not inspirational enough to be a lifestyle blog, too long-winded for most people to stomach, and too random to attract a consistent crowd. I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty ill-defined and not readily conforming to me, and you know what? It’s about time I learn to be okay with that.
If you’re one of the nice people wondering why I’m even worrying about this in the first place, here’s a newsflash for you – I’m a bit of an attention seeker. Not to the extent that I would stir up drama for the sake of it (I’m not thatbad), but I definitely enjoy being liked, respected, and sometimes, even a little bit envied. I mean, it’s a human thing, a creator’s need for recognition, and not to mention a clear indication of insecurity. (And let’s not lie to ourselves, everyone knows I’m insecure as fuck.)
I’m sure anyone who has ever put themselves onto the internet will understand this to some degree; it’s almost like a rite of passage. Like, feel shit about every single thing you do online until one day, you just stop caring. I’m almost there, but not quite, which is why this post exists.
“That’s something that happens to other people,” or so we like to think to ourselves. Whether that “something” is an accident or losing a lot of money or being diagnosed with a critical disease, it never seems like it’ll happen to us. That is, until it does. And, if you’ve known me for some time, you’ll know I’m a fairly lucky person. Things generally work out in my favour and my life has been relatively devoid of unfortunate incidents. But I guess, luck doesn’t last forever, and so, here is the story of how my phone got stolen as a consequence of my own actions.
Now, I say stolen, but the situation was hardly as dramatic as that choice of word implies. Like, calm your horses, I wasn’t held at gunpoint and/or robbed in broad daylight (even though that would be a lot more interesting to read, I’m sure). Instead, I lost my phone as a clear consequence of my own inaptitude and carelessness of which, unfortunately, I am infamous for. So really, this is my fault. Let’s just establish that to make things easier in the long run.
You don’t realise how important certain things are until you’re stranded with no data and cell service, and only RM15 left in your wallet. Such is my situation right now. I woke up this morning wondering what the fuck was wrong with my phone – because believe me, my phone has broken down numerous times over the one year I have had it, from not being able to connect to the internet to shitty cell coverage – but it turns out that the phone bill just wasn’t paid, so for once, this wasn’t a problem I brought upon myself.
But you know what is a problem? The fact that I have a bus and train ride ahead of me and no data to do any brainless social media surfing. Even though my brain is exhausted right now, it is not so exhausted that I would rather spend the next hour staring into blank space and make some strangers uncomfortable. So, let’s write an update!
Ahh, the quintessential “numbered facts you should know about me” blog post. I didn’t even think this up for myself initially, but as a prompt for Jane. (Check out her version here!) But with me being neck deep in work and assignments for the past week or two, my brain is a bit too fried right now to write, much less think up ideas for anything else. So here it is, enjoy responsibly.
1. I am and always have been a perfectionist.
I typically get really depressing when I talk about my perfectionism, but now, I just feel like saying some nice things. After all, it’s generally quite helpful! It makes me more detail-oriented, strive towards improvement, and generally want to stay on top of things. Of course it has some drawbacks, but I’d say it’s a nice balance to my otherwise deadly procrastination skills.
Due to some twist of fate, I have been spending a lot of time alone this semester. And by fate, I mean I stopped being friends with the people I was supposed to hang out with, and as a result, isolated myself from the only people I really put in the effort to spend time with, leaving me with less time to befriend nicer people because they already have their own cliques, placing me in a limbo where I don’t really want to put in unnatural effort to get to know new people just for the sake of company, but making me feel bad because I don’t really want to spend the last year of my university life completely alone.
Yet, worries aside, you should know which side of the dilemma I picked in the end. And surprisingly, it isn’t as bad as it sounds. I don’t know what about the lone figure of a person eating by themselves that used to scream sadness to me, but now having stepped into those shoes, I have to say – I take it all back. Spending time alone, and especially, eating alone is a genuinely gratifying experience.
I suppose you already know this by now, but I disbanded Eleven Tsuki at the end of last year. If you didn’t know that, or you are completely out of the loop, let me quickly get you up to speed. Eleven Tsuki was an ACG (animation, comics, and gaming) website created and run by my friend Jane and I. We and our eventual team of 10 posted articles, reviews and event coverage on a weekly basis. I served as Editor-in-Chief, and that duty consumed 4 straight years of my life. And then I disbanded it, for a few reasons.
Before I go into those reasons, I realise this is the first time I’m actually publishing my honest feelings about the disbandment. I did a “public statement” of sorts for the actual website but everyone knows that doesn’t really count. My feelings may have been genuine at the time, but they were also pretty romanticised, and far too positive considering the amount of turmoil I went through to arrive at that decision. My actual reasoning was far more pessimistic and tired with a lot of thought put into it, and I guess that’s the version that I’m going to share today.